Confessions of a Leaf Thief

A certain criminal practice exists within the kitchen garden movement, one that runs rampant this time of year. The crime? Leaf Thievery. We at the 20 Minute Garden have located a self-confessed “leaf thief” who agreed to answer a few questions under the promise of strict confidentiality.

Q: How did you start your life of crime?

A: I’ve always raked up the leaves from my own lawn and used them as a very effective mulch on my garden.

Q: But it didn’t stop there.

A: I saw the piles of leaves my neighbors had raked up. They were just sitting there. Unattended. Doing no one any good.

Q: So you took them.

A: I was weak. And greedy. Sometimes I asked my neighbors first. Sometimes, I just took. But where’s the harm? Who really misses a few leaves when they could do so much good in my garden beds?

Q: Can you describe the modus operandi of a leaf thief.

A: Simple tools: a leaf rake and a large tarp. Sometimes I wore a black leotard and a mask to conceal my identity.

The technique also is simple enough. Rake the leaves into a big pile and spread the tarp next to them. It helps if the leaves are on slightly higher ground. rake them into the center of the tarp. Then make a burrito.

Q: A burrito?

A: A friend of mine who had a summer job at a taco joint let me in on the secrets of burrito construction. Fold one of the long sides over the filling about 1/3 of the way. Then fold the bottom up about a 1/4. Fold the other long side over to seal in the leaves. The same primary rule for burrito construction applies: Don’t try to stuff in too much filling. Grab it by the top — the unfolded end — and drag it to your garden bed. The best way I’ve found to get the leaves out of the burrito is to pick up the bottom, the folded end, and to empty out the leaves from the top.

Yeah, the leaf burrito makes it a one-person operation. No accomplices. Fewer risks.

Q: So simple. So diabolically simple. You’re a self-confessed “Petty Thief.” Don’t you feel any remorse?

A: I’m unrepentant. But this year it’ll be even trickier to steal leaves since the city isn’t collecting them from the streets. But I’m prepared to take them right off the yards.

Q: What is the best way for people to protect themselves against thieves like you?

It’s obvious. Use the the leaves yourself. They’re free, high-carbon mulch. Learn to view the trees on your property as mulch-makers.

And don’t wait until all the leaves are down to attempt some grand larceny. Stunts like that never work out. A little every day, maybe 20 minutes worth. It won’t break your back. And you’ll be surprised how quickly the mulch adds up.